Each week I answer questions people send me in a soon-to-be award-winning column called Ask Wessel. Please send any and all questions to me on Twitter or DanaJWessel@gmail.com. The weirder the better.
Quick note: I had this written a few days ago and scheduled to be posted today. I debated whether or not I should save it for another day given what is happening both locally and around the country. Ultimately I decided we could all probably use a little nonsense on the internet today.
Q: Top 3 fictional baseball players to include on this year’s Twins team? – Al
Such a great question. One that probably has a different answer than a lot of Twins seasons in my lifetime. I am all about those mashed taters. Sloppier the better. Just a big heaping batch of the sloppiest damn taters you have ever seen. Just a heapin’ helpin’ of sloppiness.
But the Twins set the record for most Dongs in a season last year and are still mashing this year. There are other needs for the Twins this year. Clearly gotta change courses and add some pitching depth, right?
Bahahaha. Yeah right. I am adding even more Jack Sammies to the Twins.
But first, here are some honorable mentions.
- Billy Chapel – Pitcher – For Love of the Game: Would love to have Chappy on the team, but if you take him, you also need to take his battery-mate Gus Sinski. Can’t use two of my picks here.
- Jack Parkman – Catcher – Major League II: The dude could whip up mashed taters like an over-caffeinated grandma on Thanksgiving, but, c’mon, he was a dick. I don’t want him around my team.
- Gordon Bombay – Manager – Mighty Ducks: Yeah, he is a hockey guy, but he is the Minnesota Miracle Man. Minnesota hasn’t won a major men’s title since Bombay led the Ducks/Team USA to glory. Coincidence? You tell me.
- Homer Simpson – Position Unknown – The Simpsons: Tough to leave Homer and Wonderbat off this list. However, there aren’t too many examples of a player making the leap from the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball team to The show.
- The Kid Who Only Hit Homers – Matt Christopher books – I don’t remember much about the ‘kid’ in question since I haven’t read the book since 2nd grade, but with any player with a nickname like that at least deserves an honorable mentch.
Alright, in no particular order, here are the three fictional players I would add to the 2020 Twins.
- Rick ‘Wild Thing’ Vaughn – Closer – Major League: I said no pitchers on this list, but know who would have ensured Kenta Maeda got the win after that near no-no a few weeks ago? Wild Thing would have. “Give ‘em The Heater, Ricky.”
- Roy Hobbs – DH – The Natural: There may not be fans at Target Field this season but there are plenty of lights for Hobbs to smash up with a walk-off blast.
- Benny ‘The Jet’ Rodriguez – Every Damn Position on the Field – The Sandlot: Take all the adjectives you would use to describe a Hall of Famer. Every single one applies to The Jet. Busted the guts outta a ball. Pickled The Beast. Stole home in “the clutch situation of the season.”
Q: Dating question for you D. My daily wfh routine involves walking to the neighborhood coffee shop so I have some human interaction at least at some point of the day. The barista there is really cute and I want to ask her out. It is the pandemic tho…cool or no? – Ross
Fortune favors the bold, my friend! Let ‘er rip! Haven’t you ever seen a movie?! This kinda thing is easy. Just kidding. This is a delicate situation for a lot of reasons.
First, like you said, there is the whole pandemic happening which makes things a bit dicey. Another aspect is that you are asking someone out while they are working which adds another layer to the sammich here.
Here is what I think. Have you guys developed a rapport at all? Like, does she know your order? Remember your name? Do you and her banter or joke around? Light flirting at all? If so, it might be worth a shot, but tread lightly because, again, she is working. Like strippers, just because the barista is friendly doesn’t mean they like you. If you do go for it just don’t make a big production of it.
However, if your interactions are purely transactional “What can I get you?” “Large cold press” “That will be $3.99” *swipe card* “Thank you” Thank you” then absolutely do not ask her out. That is the asking out equivalent of a salesperson cold-calling you. Just picture in your mind how you feel when you get those annoying calls, you probably don’t even answer the phone. Nobody should ever put someone in a situation like that, especially during a pandy at their workplace.
So that is what I would tell you. Use your best judgement. Also, remember, if you crash-and-burn you might have to find a new daily coffee shop. Always gotta factor that in.
Q: When was last time you had cottage cheese – Asp
Never. Why would somebody willingly purchase and eat a food that resembles spoiled milk? The hell is wrong with you people?
Q: How dare you say mean things about my fictional husband Jim Halpert? – Kristi
If you missed it, and how DARE YOU if you did, Kristi is referring to the list I posted of five characters from beloved TV shows that are the absolute worst and everybody’s favorite smug paper salesman from Scranton, Pennsylvania was on there.
I figured Big Tuna would be the most controversial name on the list but I was happy a number of people agreed with me. Jim kinda sucks! Yes, he is the most normal character on the show, but how big of an accomplishment is that? It is like being the best looking, least creepy zombie on Walking Dead. Here is your trophy!
I also think there is a case to be made that the whole Jim/Pam/Roy thing would be viewed a lot differently if the show was centered around the warehouse workers while only giving us occasional peeks about what was happening upstairs in the office. Imagine if the whole thing was told from Roy’s perspective. SPINOFF REBOOT? No, no. That is the last thing we need.
Alright, that’ll do it. Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend. Everybody stay safe, not only in my hometown of Minneapolis, but wherever you are reading this, which is an all likelihood a toilet. Reach out if you need anything.
Dana Wessel 