Ask Wessel: Cut Pizza Into Squares or Triangles?

Each week I answer questions people send me in a soon-to-be award-winning column called Ask Wessel. Please send any and all questions to me on Twitter or email The weirder the better. 

Q: How do I get over a big breakup after a seven year relationship? – Anonymous 

I wish there was an easy answer to this question, but there really isn’t. I will also spare the cliches like “plenty of fish in the sea!” or “focus on yourself!” and all that other eye-rolling bullshit. Giving breakup advice is really easy but being on the receiving end is difficult. Everyone will tell you that things will be OK but you will only realize that someday when you look back on things.

The only real way to get over it is time, unfortunately. It will take time. You are literally reprogramming your brain after nearly a decade with someone. I went through a really hard breakup once after a three-year relationship. It was one of those awful breakups where I had a hard time even getting out of bed in the morning. I was a mess. 

Remember earlier where I said I would spare you the cliches? Well I kinda lied. Because here comes one. It does get better. I will never forget nursing some beers at the Winking Lizard in Cleveland with my best friend Dylan while waiting to head to the airport. I told him that I would rather be single forever than trying to date anyone besides my ex. I was defeated and had given up all hope. That following Saturday I decided to go play darts with a girl named Heather. Worked out pretty well! Been hanging out with her ever since. 

Long story short – keep good friends around you, give yourself time, and be open to the next chance. I know, I know. More cliches. But it is true. 

Or, if all else fails, get beers with Dylan at the Winking Lizard in Cleveland. It has never failed me. 

Q: Lots of people rocking teams gear last weekend. What’s your favorite non clothing piece of fan gear ? Personally I love a good lawn gnome in team colors. – Jason

Legit laughed out loud on this one. Never would have thought to put lawn gnomes on the list. Great call. 

My mind immediately went to a good team flag. It is a very versatile item. You can hang it on the wall, on a pole outside, or worn as a cape at a tailgate – back when tailgating was a thing. 

One at the bottom of the list for me would be bumper stickers/window clings. I have a Chelsea FC window cling on my car and I am nearly certain that it was the reason why somebody keyed my car. Probably some salty Spurs supporter or something. Or maybe somebody saw me get out of my car in jorts and a bandanna and thought “well that guy looks like a douche. I am gonna go key his car.” Might be something to that theory actually.

Q: Big fan of the Ask Wessel return! What are the top 5 best things about Jeff Probst? – Kantor 

Where to even start with my guy Jeffery Lee Probst? 

5. The fact he is married to Zack Morris’ ex-wife

4. He was the minister at Pam from The Office’s wedding

3. Those dimples tho!

2.  All the catchphrases. “Wanna know what you’re playing for?” “In this game fire represents your life” “Come in guys.” They are so dependable and feel like a warm blanket whenever he says them. 

1. He IS ‘Survivor.’ When people do that dumb thing on Twitter and go “lolz Survivor is STILL on?!” I point out that the reason is Probst. He is so good as host and godfather of the show. You can tell how much he cares about the show so much. Makes it even more enjoyable as a fan of the show. 

Q: When did Minnesotans start cutting their round pizzas into squares instead of triangles? – Jennifer 

Is the squares vs triangles thing just in MInnesota? Is that not a nationwide thing? 

I tweeted a theory about square pizza the other day and the responses got heated. I didn’t realize it was such a controversial issue. But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Arguing about food is an American tradition. 

I like squares! I feel like all thin crust pizza should be cut into squares. The one caveat to that though is there is a limit to how BIG a pizza can be that is cut into squares. If a pie is too big then there are too many of those sloppy middle pieces with no crust. The ones where the cheese just slides off the piece and it just becomes a big mess. Nobody needs that. 

I think pizza should only be cut into triangles when it is one of those big floppy NY style za’s. Other than that? Square me all day. 

Alright, that’ll do it. Thanks so much for reading and submitting questions. Posting on this site has been a lot of fun while I make up my mind on what is next career-wise. Really appreciate all the positive feedback. Everyone stay safe out there.